A Very CrackFilled Christmas
by Radev E. Elocin
Summary: A birthday crack fic for junkyardspidermonkey. :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT! Aro's invited the Cullens and the wolves to a Christmas Party! This will not end well... First twilight fic! Pre BD. READ AND REVIEW!


**Author's Note:** Whoa! I haven't written in FOREVER. Sorry, subscribers of the Kingdom Hearts variety. But TODAY IS JUNKYARDSPIDERMONKEY's BIRTHDAY!!! So I made this Twilight crack fic just for her! HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHITNEY!

*~^.^~*

**A Totally Crack-Filled Christmas**

It was Christmas Eve morning, and the Cullen family was going through their normal human functions. Edward, Esme and Carlisle were in the kitchen, making breakfast for Bella, as usual (because nobody else would eat the stuff!), Rosalie and Emmett were… erm… we'll move on from that..

And Alice and Jasper were "tidying up" the family room, when Alice foresaw an arrow flying at their door. Calmly, she got up, went to the door and caught the arrow as it was flying toward them.

"DAMN, you're good, girl!" a voice screamed, before squeaking and running away.

"ARO! NO MORE ARROWS AT THE DOOR! I'M TIRED OF FIXING IT!" Alice screamed at him, pulling the paper attached to the arrow off.

_Dear Cullen Family (and Bella…)_

_You have been cordially invited to a Christmas Party in the woods tonight, _

_Christmas Eve,_

_In the clearing where Edward ditched Bella to her hallucinations._

_I do hope you come. _

_Signed, _

_Aro the Magnificent!_

_P.S. BRING PRESENTS OR I WILL SET JANE ON ALL OF YOU!!!_

_That is all._

_Thank You. [:_

"That was pretty… random." Jasper said, reading the note behind Alice.

"Why do I have the feeling we're all going to regret going and that Bella will be stuck up a tree?" Alice groaned, shaking her head and going back into the house to tell the family.

Over at the Clearwater's residence in La Push, the entire Pack was gathered around Emily, who was creating the biggest feast she could ever make.

"Guys…" she started calmly. "Could you _please_… all… get out!" she yelled. "If you want to eat, you'll have to wait until later or go steal from the Cullen's! They've got food. Just get out of my kitchen!"

"But-"

"But, Em-"

"BUT!-"

"No buts, GET OUT!" she screamed, pushing them all out of her kitchen.

"So what the hell do we do now, smart ones?" Leah asked, glaring at the fools who made her go away from the food.

"TO THE CULLEN'S!" yelled Seth, pointing at the ceiling heroically.

"SHUT UP SETH!" everyone yelled at him, each smacking him in the head consecutively.

"Ow…" he whined, rubbing his now very sore and lump-filled head.

"He does have a good point though…" Jake said, sniffing the air. "Whatevers cooking at the Cullen's smells amazing."

The rest of the pack, Leah included sniffed the air. It took a moment to ignore the stench of vampire but the scent of food was clear in the air.

"Geez, for a bunch of people who don't eat, those bloodsuckers can really cook." Quil said.

"TO THE CULLEN'S!" the pack yelled, all of them pointing to the ceiling heroically. Leah sweat-dropped, but followed after them as they ran out the door.

"Ow!!!" Seth yelled, his head ringing. "I'll catch up with you guys later…" he slunk into unconsciousness.

When the wolves had left, Aro arrived at their open door. Seth was unconscious on the floor. He skipped over sneaky like to Seth and stuck a note to his forehead. He then took a sharpie and made stitch marks on his stomach, and skipped merrily on his way. Seth woke up shortly after, his eyes opening to the piece of paper attached to his forehead.

"Ow…" he groaned, clutching his stomach. "OH DAMMIT THEY TOOK MY KIDNEY!" he screamed, looking at the sharpie residue on his hand. "Oh."

"Seth, shut up and get out!" Emily came out, a knife in hand.

Seth's eyes widened, the paper still attached to his forehead. He yelped and ran on all fours out the door without phasing.

"Hmph." Emily nodded, going back into the kitchen to finish creating her feast.

_**Back at the Cullen's…**_

Edward looked up from the cutting board and paused.

"Emmett…" Edward began.

"What?" Emmett asked, his arms wrapped around Rosalie.

"Lock the doors." He said, using his vampiric speed to lock the windows.

A few seconds later, the front door was barricaded with the grand piano, the couches and flat screen from the family room, random bookcases and drawers and a vase with a flower in it. The back door was also heavily barricaded with Alice's old clothes.

"Why did we do that?" Emmett asked, tossing the last of Alice's clothes against the door.

As perfect timing would have it, the sound of 7 werewolves and one very annoyed Leah bashing against the door echoed throughout the empty house.

"Wait for it…" Edward said.

Seth then crashed headfirst into the group bashing into the door and they all collapsed in a heap of werewolf.

"SETH!" they all screamed at the young werewolf on top of the pack.

"Sorry!!!" he cowered, curling into the fetal position. "I can't see!!!" he whined.

"So why didn't you take that stupid piece of paper off your head, genius?" Leah glared at him from the bottom of the pile.

"Oh." Seth blanked out.

"Hey, what's it say?" Jake asked, taking apart the wolf pile and pulling the paper off Seth's forehead.

_Dear Werewolves,_

_You have been cordially invited to a Christmas Party tonight,_

_Christmas Eve,_

_In the clearing where Sam found Bella after Edward ditched her to her hallucinations._

_I do hope you come._

_Signed,_

_Aro the Magnificent!_

_P.S. BRING PRESENTS AND FOOD OR YOU WILL ALL SUFFER MY WRATH!_

"Oh, come on." Leah scoffed. "How much bad could one vampire be?"

_P.S.S. Shut up Leah or you will never see your Bratz dolls again! Bwahahahahaha! Haha. _

"No!!!!" she screeched. The wolf pack blinked at her. "I mean, whatever. I don't have any Bratz."

"I'm not asking." Jake shook his head. Quil and Embry were holding in laughs. Seth was still cowered in a corner.

_That is all._

_Thank you. [: [: [:_

"Do we have to go?" Seth whined.

_P.S.S. Yes, wolves. You have to go or I will have the cookie monster hunt you down!_

Colin and Brady sunk into the fetal position, eyes wide.

"Yes, Seth." Jake said. "We have to go."

"After we get food." Leah said firmly. Turning around, she noticed someone coming. "Here comes Bella." The pack turned around and quickly jumped into hiding positions.

Bella came bouncing down the walkway, completely oblivious to the wolves surrounding her.

"Edward!!!" she said, knocking on the door. She tried to turn the doorknob, but it wouldn't budge.

"Edward! Your lover!" Esme said excitedly from the second floor.

"Oh dammit, I forgot about her. Why couldn't we just go and make her a vampire already?" Edward groaned, going to the top story windows and jumping down.

"Edward, your door's not working." Bella said simply.

Edward sweat-dropped, then picked up Bella and began jumping up to the window from which he came. Bella then rushed to the bathroom and proceeded to vomit from the surprise.

"What was that all about?" Bella asked, cleaning her face.

"The wolves are here." Edward said.

"Oh." Bella said. "On a random note, Merry Christmas Edward." She smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Merry Christmas, Bella." Edward smiled, kissing her.

"OH ENOUGH OF THE FLUFF!" Jake screamed from outside. "OPEN UP CULLEN!"

Leah sighed, then began to take a few paces backward.

"Seth, come here please." She said.

"Am I gonna get hurt?" Seth asked, walking toward her.

"Me? No." Leah said, holding Seth like a battering ram. "You? Maybe." She said, and ran toward the wall.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!" Seth screamed as his head bashed through the wall.

"Did you have to do that?" Rosalie asked, her limbs entangled with Emmett's on the only couch not used for a barricade. "It's bad enough when Aro does it."

"AHHHHHHH!!!!" Seth was still screaming.

"SHUT UP SETH!" Leah yelled, dropping him. The rest of the pack followed suit, each making holes in the Cullen's walls.

"Food…" the wolves groaned like zombies toward the kitchen.

"Oh. That's all." Rosalie crinkled her nose and went back to kissing Emmett.

*~^.^~*

**Author's Note:** Alright, I'll have to make this more than one chapter. I hope somebody out there likes it! PLEASE REVIEW!!!


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